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Tender Hearted

I have always been, as I am sure I always will be, one of those people who stands up when they see an injustice.  I cannot simply keep my mouth shut and watch people be rude to someone else when it is not warranted.  Sure there are times when people say or do something and your natural reaction is to be rude to someone else.  But, I'm talking about 100% nonwarranted, unprovoked rudeness and bullying.

Bully you say.... wait?  Aren't you 26.  YEP! This past term of school has been rotten.  Personally, my grades are up, I'm up to date in class and on a roll.  But take academics out, I have become public enemy number 1.  My standing up for someone else has caused a massive, ridiculous, childish backlash at me.  Suddenly my name is flying around the school as well as online.  Now, I am 26, I am married, I have children....my response is to blow it off to a point.  But at some point do I not have the right to feel comfortable in the classroom?

I have this big tough exterior, I know that.  But I'm really tender hearted.  I take everything to heart, even when it should go in one ear and out the other.  It tends to take a detour through my heart.  I wonder why I chose the field of criminal justice to begin with.  I don't do so well with conflict or yelling when it's personal.  To put it lightly, I can't stand conflict.

I suppose I can just go with my original response which was to switch to all online classes.....or I can suck it up, get over it and move on. The situation sucks!

Harman Happenings.

Chaos as usual! Right now we still have five dogs.  Boss is unfortunately, still here :(  He is so ready for a home and I can't wait for him to get that.  In the mean time, everyone is running a freakin muck!


Bark! Bark! Bark! Growl! CRASH!

Makes for some very long days at home.  We are all a bit stir crazy from this horrible weather.  It is damn near the end of April and it has been 50 degrees and rainy all week. Stir crazy isn't even the word anymore I think we've all gone nuts!

Lots of changes going on around here though.  I have been tossing around the idea of entering the military after I finish my bachelors degree.  The bonus of this is that I could go in as an officer and hold a higher ranking, and also be able to be an MPO.  The down side of this, time away from my boys....and the military no longer allows pit bulls on any bases. Which is a whole other story of complete idiocy! IDK, I've all but tossed the idea out now, I just want to be home with Tim and Colton and be able to spend time with them and the dogs.


In two weeks Tim changes buildings and shift! I CANNOT WAIT!  He will only be working Saturday through Monday 6pm to 6am.  Which means he will be home all week and I can breathe a little easier with the extra help.  Right now it seems I am running around all the time and the only chance I get to actually do my homework is at 1030 at night after school.  And by that point I'm exhausted.  Needless to say, I'm falling behind in my classes.


On Monday Colton will be 8 years old.  I can't believe it.  Time just flies right by! He is getting so big and grown up.  He's doing awesome in school!  He got really good grades this last term and has only had one character check come home all year.  I can't even begin to explain how proud of him I am.  He's doing so well.

I suppose, while Colton is away at John's for the next two days I should get some homework done.....

As I type this the couch is all but being tipped over by Cash and Boss.... maybe I'll do some homework later.   *Rolling eyes*

Slipped Away

Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne

Family

This is my family.  And after the recent doctors appointments we are clear that this is the family we will forever have.  We have decided not to continue ttc.  It is blatantly obvious that the odds are stacked against us.  Of course we can continue to pop medicine into us and spend every day focusing on how to get pregnant.  But, emotionally we have determined it would be better for us to move on. We have an absolutely amazing son who will be 8 in a few short weeks, and more furry kids than we can handle some days. :)  We are content in our family as it is and the pressure of medications, doctors, what ifs, maybes....it takes away from all that we already have.   It's been a very personal, heart renching and heart searching journey to this answer.

And as my body comes off of all these hormones I'm confronted with even more questions, demons and emotions.  Over one mountain and off to the other.

Sunday

I have nothing productive to say lately...thus my lack of postings.  We'll go with my week in pictures.

No Sugar Here

Pist off and mad about it!
Texas Hippie Coalition

Just got back from the doctor.  First, let's note they moved me to an obstitrician from my midwife.  Which is expected, I knew she wouldn't be able to see me forever.  But this guy I have to see now....is about amillion years old.  He's real nice and he's funny but I wish I would have known who he was before just walking in the room.

So anyways, he doesn't think I have cysts or palaps or anything.  He thinks the provera has thinned out my uterus.  Because I am not ovulating, so all it was doing is shredding out the lining of my uterus.  Great! All this for nothing!!  So he did a pelvic exam, let me tell you, absolutely not what I wanted to do today! Not that I would ever want to but you know.  He didn't see anything abnormal.  For the third time during the appointment, he changes up the plan.  Now, I have to do a "medical dnc" so bascially I have to take 4 birth control pills a day for five days.  After that, I should get a "period" and five days after that I can start clomid.  Then he wants to see me again somewhere around the 25th day of the cycle to see if I'm ovulating.  This and continue taking metformin.

Then he also tells us that Tim is "sub fertile."  Meaning it is possible for him to father children, with some work.  Work? More work?  Are we just sinking deeper into a black hole?  Are we putting ourselves on an emotional rollercoaster that is going nowhere?  They're having him redo the semenalysis.  Tim is not thrilled.  But, like I told him, I'm pumping myself with meds, being poked and proded and everything else....I don't think one plastic cup is too much to ask from him.

I'll just put it bluntly, I am pissed.  I don't understand how I could get pregnant at 17, and then again at 21 while I was in a horrible relationship and yet, we've been trying for four year, are married, and settled and we have to jump hoops?  Where were those hoops 8 years ago?  I'm beyond frustrated.

Why can't I be one of those women that blinks and gets pregnant?  Why are so many women able to have tons of babies that they cannot afford or care to take care of and yet....here we are! I think I have shed every last tear I have over this whole thing.  Four years of inactively trying, a total of 1 year actively trying.  I'm frustrated.

I am absolutely frightened of what will happen if we cannot have more kids.  Tim is an amazing dad to Colton.  He does everything and more for him.  Far beyond what Colton's biological dad would ever care to do.  But I know it is not the same, even though he sees both of my children as his own, it's not the same.  And everytime another family member or friend has a baby I know he's right there with me feeling left out. 

We will keep pushing on, because that's the only thing we know how to do.  But we are wounded and bruised.

Midweek Downers

A little blah today.  Not much to post, since I've been on break for a week and a half.  Not too much going on over here. 

Thought I am taking Colton to the doctor today.  I'm afraid he might be diabetic.  Out of nowhere he quit eatting but continues to drink and drink and drink.  Frequent urination, sudden mood swings...and top that all off with he weighs 113lbs.  But he's not fat, he's stocky and he's solid.  I guess we'll see what his doctor thinks.

 Because, without them I would not be me.  All four of my dogs were rescues.  All four have their own personalities and temperments. 

My favorite picture! Colton and his friend Jayvian snugglin on Bear.

Cash... the baby of the family :)

The love of my life.

Miss Stoli :)

Confidence is Beautiful

I finally had surgery last Thursday.  I thought I was going to die the whole morning before.  I hadn't slept, I felt like vomitting, and I really just wanted to run away.  But of course Tim was not going to let me do that.

All I remember was asking them how badly I was going to hurt when I woke up.  Then they gave me some medicine through IV which was supposed to make me happy I guess, I don't really remember.  They put a band around my face for oxygen and tied my arms to the chair, then the last thing I remember was being told they were putting meds in my iv to put me to sleep.  Then I woke up while they were stitching me up, but I fell back asleep.  When I woke up again, my new teeth were in.  They asked me if I wanted them to go get Tim and I said, "Right now!" HaHa. I guess there was a sense of urgency to have him with me.

My whole face was numb the rest of the day. Thursday night I didn't sleep for more than an hour, maybe two.  The numbness in my face wore off and I started to panick.  Even though it didn't hurt, it was just sore.  I think the anticipation of what everyone had told me was far worse than the pain I experienced.

Friday morning I went back to the dentist so they could take the denture out, clean it and make sure everything looked alright.  I was really worried that it would hurt and even the dental assistant told me it would probably hurt.  Tim came back to the room with me and held my hand while they removed it, which didn't really hurt at all.  It wasn't the most fun I've ever had, but it wasn't painful.  I got to look at my mouth...which was horrifying, but it's healing really well.  I'll go back this Wednesday to have all the stitches removed.

So, here I am, a few days out....little to no swelling left, no pain, just some mild discomfort.  And trying to get used to this feeling of having something in my mouth all the time. I am so happy that I finally got everything taken care of.  I feel like I can finally smile without everyone staring at me, like I can be me. It's funny the amount of confidence I have found in myself in the past few days.  I definitely feel much more upbeat and outgoing. 

Things are definietely looking up from here.  Look out, you have not seen Holly before.

Frustrated and Tired

Our few days in Florida were amazing, however, I feel like I need a vacation after my vacation.  I'm exhausted.  But, no time to rest..... it's finals week.  Thankfully I only have one more test tonight and an essay to write and then I will be done with this term.  I am ready to put this whole term of school behind me and move on.

Tomorrow is my mouth surgery.  I am so nervous I haven't slept in two days. I would like to fast forward to when it's over with and I'm not in pain.

Today I called the doctor, because we had decided I would start clomid after getting back from Florida.  Well....  I call them and explain about my period last month.  They hang up, call back and say, "You need to come in for an ultrasound. And quit taking the progesterone."  They're afraid I might have cysts or palps on my ovaries or my uterus.  GREAT! This would really not suprise me, beings that my mom had her uterus removed when she was 25.  Since I have surgery tomorrow, and the doctor is gone all next week I have to wait until the 25th to be seen.

I'm not feeling optimistic, not even slightly.  I feel like quiting.

Leaving on a Jet Plane.....

I can't believe how fast the past few months have gone!! Tonight I'm making dinner and Colton and I are heading to bed super early! We need to be on the road by 5am....so that means I'll probably have to get up at 4:00. Eeek! I don't think I've ever gotten up that early in my life.  I'm more likely to go to bed at 4 lately.

Our flight leaves from Moline at 9:02 and we should land in Orlando at 1:35pm (FL time). Neither of us have ever been on a plane so I'm super nervous! Colton still has absolutely no idea!  He thinks that he has to go to bed early because we are taking my mom to the air port to see her sister in Wyoming.  He thinks he has to go to school afterwards ha ha.  I can't wait to see his face!  I bought a new video camera so I can video tape his reaction at the air port. :)

My Aunt Kristen is absolutely amazing.  Without her I don't know that I would ever have the opportunity to take him to DW.  I can't thank her enough for this opportunity. 

This is where we are staying.....

Holy cow right?!?!? Six bedrooms. Pool. No hotel... I <3 it!! It's only like 250,000 times better than my house! LOL.

I hope I have everything packed.  I've gone over my list several times but I'm horrible at forgetting things. The nice part of this is that I don't have to pack a whole lot because there is a washer and dryer at the house.  I don't think anyone is going to notice if we rewear a shirt or something. Oh I am so excited! I probably won't get any sleep tonight.  That's the good thing about Colton not knowing, he won't be too excited to sleep. :)

I suppose I'll go make dinner and get Colton in the shower and everything.  It's going to be a long day tomorrow and 4am is not that far away.....

My Life in Them

This Woman's Work

I think this song would resignate with any man married to a woman going through fertility issues. Any man that has seen the desire, the longing in his wife's eyes. Has physically held her while she feels like she's losing her mind...being left behind.

Another Lost Soul

"Hi... I heard from (insert name here) that you take in pit bulls?"

At least three times a month I get voice mails like this. Sometimes they are families that can no longer "keep" their dog for one reason or another and sometimes they are people that have irresponsibly let their dogs breed and can not find someone to "buy" the last of the puppies. Before Stoli's puppies were adopted I recieved a phone call from someone with six nine week old puppies that they couldn't "sell." Those calls are always frustrating. Not only did I have absolutely no room for another dog but six? And by the way did you plan on spaying your female? Do the puppies even have their shots? So frustrating!

On Thursday I had plans. I planned out a pretty busy day. Take Colton to school, get some homework done, take Tim to work, go to the dentist, and then to school early to play with the similator before class from 6-8. After class, dinner with Tim like every Thursday.

Except it ended up nothing at all like I had planned. On my way to the dentist I got an all too familiar phone call. Two stray pit bulls were found in a neighboring town that does not allow pit bulls. A distant cousin of mine works for the city and he picked them up. He was keeping them at the city garage in a large kennel. Someone was taking the male dog so the girl puppy still needed somewhere to go. The county Animal Control gave him five days to find them homes or they would step in and take them. Thursday was day five.

I suppose if you don't have much experience with shelters and pit bulls you would suspect that they would be cleaned up and put up for adoption. Unfortunately, you are very wrong. In this county when stray pit bulls are found in cities with BSL laws they go straight into the gas chamber. No bath, no love, no chance for an adoption. Poof! You were found wandering where you "don't belong" so you get the death penalty!

I'm leaving for Florida early Monday morning and won't be back until Friday. The following week I have finals and on the 10th I have surgery. Tim and I had agreed that we would not take in any fosters until after my surgery when I am up for it. However, as the hours wore on and all my networking was coming up FAIL! I finally emailed the rescue that we foster for asking if they had any ideas. Twenty minutes later....

I called them back to say I would take her. I suppose with everything going on it's going to be even more chaotic around here. But, this poor puppy did not ask for the hand she was dealt any more than I had asked for the phone call. I couldn't say no.

I had planned on picking her up at 8:30 that night but when the family came to pick up the male dog, she freaked out. Lord knows how long they were wandering the streets together. They may have been from the same home or they could have simply found each other. Whichever it was, they were definietely attached. So, to make things easier I went to pick her up early while the male dog was still there.

Poor baby was covered in feeces, urine and dirt. She is somewhere around 8 or 9 months, has an infection in her eye is nearly 15 pounds under weight. I immediately took her home and put her in a nice warm bath. She sat there very calmy and let me bathe her. At one point she even began to fall asleep. :) The warmth and comfort was exactly what this poor girl needed.

Meet CoCo....

As you can see she knows how to sit when asked. She was very good with the other dogs when we let her play with them one on one. Sometimes our dogs don't do so well when there's two of them and then a new dog, they tend to get too rowdy. But she was very submissive and rolled right over to her back and kissed all their faces. She even curled up on the couch with Stoli for a nap. I think she'll do just fine. Hope she finds a good family very soon.

We took her to the vet yesterday where she will stay for the weekend to get all of her shots and checks done. Then monday morning she will be spayed and Tim will pick her up on Tuesday.

For The First Time

She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart
While i'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar
And we don't know how we got into this mad situation
Only doing things out of frustration

Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
She needs me now but I can't seem to find a time
I've git a new job now in the umemploymentline
And we don't know we got into this mess it's a gods test
Someone hulp us cause we're doing our best

Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
But we're gunna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Sit talking up all night
Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears
Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time

She's in line at the door with her head held high
While I just lost my job but didn't lose my flight
But we both know how we're gonna make it work when it hurts
When you pick yourself up you get kicked in the dirt

Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
But we're gunna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears

Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time

Drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears
Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time
For the first time
Oh, for the first time
Yeah, for the first time

Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby

Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby


Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby

The Box

In the past few years that my husband and I have been together we've learned to love around each other. By all means we love each other...each other's strengths, and moving around each other's flaws. Where he is flawed I move in and where I am flawed he is there with a strength. For us, this is just how we work. And it seems to apply with just about everything. He is writing a book, I edit it. I can't reach the spices in the top of the cabinet, he nonchallantly puts it on the counter. We seem to flow this way.

However, there is one thing that we are completely opposite about. I wonder, how many women can relate to this situation.

To explain I am going to use a box. A really heavy box. I don't think this has ever been a real situation in our house but, let's roll with it!

Now, the box has been sitting there for, let's say, three days. We've both walked by it without a second thought. Until about 11pm right before we go to bed, or in the middle of a movie, suddenly I remember the box. The box I meant to move yesterday. At this point the box has to be moved! So I lift and prod, making every attempt to somehow move this box to where I want it. But it barely budges.

In the mean time...

(Not Tim, obviously.)
He says, "Hey! I'll move it tomorrow!" and then "It's been sitting there for three days it's not going to hurt anything to wait til tomorrow!" But I still try, at this point it has to be moved before anything else can be done! I don't know why, but it just does. Eventually he'll be tired of listening to me curse and kick the box that he'll get up and move it for me. But not before telling me I need to "relax" and not before reminding me (under his breath) that "The damn thing's been there for three freakin days!"


I seem to decide that things need to be done right now. For whatever reason. The dishes, laundry, budgeting. Whatever it is. And usually right before we go to bed, or on the way home from taking Colton to school (which is my only down time for the day). For whatever reason this is just the way it is.

Keep on Going!!

Interesting,,,

Diet, Weight, Smoking....PCOS

Let's Do This!!!

Today is a day of motivation!! :)

To start off with I am down to my last half pack of cigarettes. I bought a box of patches and bags of life saver's and tootsie pops. Not to mention the 7lbs of gummy bears we have! We were supposed to quit today but Tim's working a lot of over time hours and I have a horrible mid term paper to write tonight. Tim has tomorrow off so it should be very interesting to say the least. At least Colton's at his dad's until Saturday.

Now, I'm watching Oprah and Jennifer Hudson is on talking about how Weight Watchers helped her lose 80lbs. Cliche I know but I just got incredibly motivated. I'm certainly not going to spend money meeting with weight watchers people but I did get the calculator off a website and also a list of foods and how many points they are based on portions.

I wonder how this will affect not smoking since usually people gain weight when they quit smoking. Either way I'm going to do this. I have spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that I am completely comfortable at almost 200lbs. and that I am comfortable in my own skin. I'm tired of feeling like this and it's starting to dramatically effect my marriage. I'm becoming more focused on what I look like versus other women and how I think Tim looks at me. I'm smart enough to know that I how I think he feels is my issue, not his. But somewhere between that thought and the next I lose the reality.

So, rather than going another day like this...it is time to change things! Also, I understand that losing weight can increase my chances of getting pregnant. So why the heck not?

If you don't like something there's no use in continually sitting back and complaining...you have to get up and do something about it!

Goodbye Marlboro man...goodbye comfortfood...goodbye mountain dew....

Sunday Funday!

Some pictures from this week.

Finally got new glasses!

Tim helping me do research for a paper.

Stoli is one happy girl!!! Because....

All the puppies have been adopted!!

My set up for today. Computer, school books, and mountain dew. Ahhh the life.


So far today I've successfully rearranged the living room, did two loads of laundry, one set of dishes, finished one essay, and caught up on class online discussion boards. Domestic Goddess to the rescue!! :) Tim is at work today. Kind of hoping it's a late night since they've been cutting back hours but would also love for him to come home early. Colton's busy playing with his best friend before dinner.

On day 3 of this cycle of progesterone. Feeling fantastic! And very optimistic about the next few months. I have yet to get my period in the same week each month but I have had one the last three months and that's more periods than I've had in three years! lol. So I'm holding out hope for March and April.

The super bowl is today... could care less. But apparently all my friends on facebook are having these big bowl game parties and apparently by 5:25 it is acceptable to be drunk on Super Bowl Sunday. *sigh* So glad I quit drinking... this reminds me... I have 8 months of sobriety now! Yay me!

Hope everyone's having a fantastic Sunday evening. By the way... The ticker to the right tells me where people are viewing my blog from. So, I feel the need to say Cedar Rapids friends... Leave a friggin comment! Ha. Ha.