I DID IT!!!!!!!

I'm sitting here with hair dye in my hair, nails half painted...and I just started crying....

For seven years I've been pushing, proding, striving to graduate from college. I've changed my major 4 times, I've changed colleges 4 times, and I've dropped out 4 times. Maybe 5 is my lucky number?

I finished my AAS in Criminal Justice in December but today I get to finally walk accross that stage. I get to say "I DID IT!" I'm not sure how many people actually know how hard I've worked these past 7 years, how much I've strived, and that's okay... I know. I am sooooo proud of myself. Today I finally finished what everyone else finished years ago... today I finally finished what I set out to do from the time I was in kindergarten. Today I accomplish my biggest goal!!

Colton was born exactly 1 week before my 18th birthday. I graduated a semester early so I could work before he was born and I wouldn't have to worry about school after he was born. Oh I was sooo nieve. I don't know what I thought being a mom would be like, I don't know how hard I thought being a teen mom was going to be... but I can look back now and say... I've loved every single minute of it. I put my son first always, even when I was watching everyone else graduate from college, buy new cars and go out... I kept my head up and I pushed forward.

I found this picture today... I think this sums up everything I'm feeling today.

April 25, 2003.

Say Cheese!!

When I am down, or just plain bored... I take pictures of myself. I know, weird right? Maybe just for nothing else to show myself that I am beautiful....or maybe because I have this deep dark secret....


I WANT TO BE A SUICIDE GIRL!! :) To me these girls scream confidence and fun. I've always been a different type of girl. I'm not super girlie, but that's not to say I'm not extremely feminine. But I love tattoos and body piercings. If I was not a mama I would have more piercings like I used to. Also, if I didn't live in Iowa. Though it's coming around; Iowa is still extremely stereotypical and judgemental. So, until then I'll stick to the piercings I have, my stretched out ears...and I'll continue inking up my skin!

This is some of my "boredum" pictures.

Chin Up Butter Cup!!

Definitely not our month....

Not only did we get a nice big fat negative pregnancy test... but also no period. I don't get it. Shouldn't the progesterone in itself force my body to have a period? Should I be worried? I had a period last month and that was my first month on the medicine so what's going on??


I'm feeling very discouraged this week. I think I need to get out of the house and do something for me. Maybe I should get a gym membership.

Something positive....I can't wait for:
*Friday! Friday is graduation night.

*Feb 15th when I get to go do impressions for my new pretty smile and pick.... actually pick....what color of teeth I want!!

*Feb 28th: Going to Disney World with Colton, Kristen, Brandon and Ian. I am so excited! And I can't wait to see Colton's face when he finds out he's getting on a airplane instead of going to school!!

March 10th: My big surgery! I'm sure for a few days after I'm going to be so out of it from pain meds but I really cannot wait to get the pretty smile I've been dreaming of since I was a little girl. Right now, I find myself covering my mouth a lot and putting on a fake smile so my teeth won't show. I can't even imagine how great it's going to feel to throw that insecurity aside! I wish it was tomorrow!

March 25th: Going to a concert with Tim and Sara! The Music as a Weapon Tour in Cedar Rapids! Sevendust, KoRn, Disturbed and In This Moment. Woo hoo!! It's going to be so much fun!

So for today I'm going to put TTC in the back of my mind and look forward a little further.

Negative Nancy

Adopting out 9 puppies in 4 days.... feel sick....school work....wrestling tournaments....toothaches....husband working overtime on little sleep.....

All these things put together do no equal good conditions for TTC.
Not to mention, being run down and stressed isn't cute. "Now that you're feeling and looking horrible, go put your happy face on and seduce your husband because your temperature says it's time to!" I honestly would love to not be touched, talked to, or even looked at. To put it mildly, I am tired, I am run down and I just want my sweats and a blanket.

I promised myself I'd find something good to write here...

Or... maybe I'll try tomorrow...

Ohhhhh Pharmaceuticals!

Ick! Let me start from the beginning....

When I was in 8th grade the glands in my neck swelled up to the point that I could barely keep my head up because it was so heavy. For over a year I was bounced from one antibiotic to the other, not to mention also having to take tetrecycoline for acne which is also an antibiotic. Needless to say all the antibiotics ate away the enaml on my teeth and now at 25 I am forced to deal with very painful infections in my mouth.

Saturday night my front teeth start to hurt but I took some ib profen and went about my night. By Sunday my teeth were really bothering me so on Monday I had a prescription for Clemdamycin called out for me. ((An antibiotic)) I was afraid that an infection was starting and since the only thing that can be done to fix this from happening is to pull them, I thought I'd get a jump start on stopping the infection. Unfortunately Tuesday morning I woke up like this....

Yuck right?!? I thought for sure it was the infection and went to the ER right away. Previously when this has happened the ER has given me either an IV of penicillin or a shot in my booty of penicillin. Not this time! The doctor litterally walked in and said, "What do you want me to do?" That was her first words to me. She then looked at my mouth and I explained everything to her, including what happened last time, and she said, "Here's a RX for vicodin...go see a dentist." WHAT THE HELL? While she was explaining to me how she studied at the University of Iowa and blah blah blah I wanted to know if they left out the fact that the dentist cannot pull a tooth with this much swelling. Or that this amount of swelling in a face can be fatal! But whatever, I took her discharge instructions and went back to my regular doctor.

Once he saw my face and heard what the ER said he could not quit laughing. HELLO! I took the medicine then my face swelled not the other way around! He says I am allergic to Clemdamycin and switched me to straight penicillin.

When I woke up this morning my face was not much better so I went back in and was given a cortizone shot. So, about 12 hours later the swelling is almost completely down, though it's still painful and my jaw is still swollen.

ACK! I'm going to the dentist tomorrow to figure out what it will take to get all my top teeth pulled. Sucks to have to look at getting dentures at only 25 but what other choice do I have?

So here's my everyday now.... Penicillin four times a day, metformin twice a day, prenate once a day, progesterone once a day and ib profen...way too much ib profen......

Bosin update.....

Bos is an 8 week old pit bull puppy.  His "people" decided they did not want a dog and were going to send him to the humane society!  We stepped in and took him thinking it would be easy to get his vaccines done and adopted out because he's so handsome.  Little did we know that this bundle of love is suffering.

His front paws, ears, tail and back left leg are severally swollen. Today we took him to the vet and he was diagnosed with an abnormal PDA murmur that has become congestive heart failure.  We were told that medication will not save his life.  Without surgery, medications will be able to supress the swelling but as he gets older he would become more and more ill and most likely not make it to his first birthday.  The prognosis may be bleak but our hearts could not be more hopeful!

To get a clear view of what we are faced with Bos will need an echochardiogram on Thursday morning. (1/6/11)  The test itself will cost $650! This is just the beginning of the costs of his potentional medical bills.
All the while, Bos has no idea that anything is wrong.  Other than a little trouble breathing, being easily fatigued and uncomfortable from the swelling, he is super happy and playful.  As long as his spirits are high we will keep ours high too!

Hope for Bos and Dog Rescue

What a day!!  I am so beyond mentally exhausted yet rejuvinated by the very amazing animal rescue friends I have come to know in the past year.

Let me explain.

Today Colton started back to school and after I took Tim I went to pick up my books for this term and headed over to good ole wal-mart for new notebooks and folders.  I hardly remember being there at all because as I went in I got an email basically saying:

"My friend has an 8 wk old pit puppy that she cannot keep.  If he doesnt have a home today

he is going to the humane society.  Can you help?"

Every ounce of me springs into action because the local humane society just put 11 8 week old pups to sleep last week for no reason other than that they can! (That's a whole other story!) Anyways... so I jump to my network of dog rescuers, pit bull families and advocates with one question, "Can you help?"  I called a friend who said without a doubt, no problem he will take him in. 

I was told that the girl was kicked out of her house and cannot keep him. Okay, shit happens. Then she tells me his back leg is "retaining water" but that a vet said he's fine and just growing into it.  I figured I have to take him in for shots so if one vet said it's fine then it shouldn't be anything too serious....

I went and picked up the most adorable puppy ever.....

Wait... stop... look again.....

There is no doubt this baby boy is going to be big when he's grown...but that is not why those paws are so big!  By this time I'm on the phone with a vet who says they've never heard of anything like this and that if he seems bothered by them to bring him in right away.  In the meantime, the friend that said he would take him has called to say he can't.  GREAT! Now I am panicking, I already have 9 puppies and four adult dogs! Now what?! And then the other thought crosses my mind, "Tim is going to kill me!!!"

I got him home and started watching him more closely.  No, his legs don't seem to bother him.  I held tightly to them so I could clip his horribly overgrown nails and he didn't whine or whimper any more than any other dog does when getting their nails clipped.  There's no sores or cuts on his legs, he runs and plays and jumps...not a care in the world!

Nope... no issue with appitite!

With no great answers from the vet, I turned to my network.  I got a ton of different answers from kidney failure, cogenital heart failure, toxicity, alergic reaction, infection...and now I'm in a panic! Poor baby can't find a home and this on top of it? And what if it's serious? How am I going to pay for the vet bills?

Thank God for amazing rescue friend with humongous hearts! The other reaction I got was, "Start a chip in! We will donate to any medical bills" and also there is a foundation that helps pay vet bills for rescue bills.  They are the ones that originally contacted me about Stoli needing rescue.  So, pup is going to the vet first thing in the morning to get checked out!

I have named him Bos. He's quarentined in a kennel for now, other than when all the other dogs are put away.  I don't want any of the others getting sick especially the little puppies!

So, today was rough, very mentally and emotionally draining.  But, with a little pep talk from some friends I think everything will be okay, one way or another.  It is true what is said, our job is never easy, never quiet, never cheap and never done.



I'll be that... Jimmy Wayne

Baby lay back,
Dream out loud,
Tell me the things you wish for
And think about.

You ain't gonna scare me.
No, I ain't gonna run.
Come on and whisper you fantasies to me
One by one.

They may not be
As crazy as you think.

The sun in the morning
Kissing your skin,
A blanket at night
That you're wrapped up in,

Your lover,
That one best friend,
I'll be that,
I'll be that.

The one that will
Stand and fight for you,
A safe place you can run to
The truth in the words "I do",

I'll be that to you.

I'll spend forever
Here in your arms,
Learning your body language
Til I know it by heart.

And I'll be beside you
Whatever you face.
You see, diamonds are made
Between a rock and a hard place.

If you let me
Baby I can be.

The sky's not the limit
Cause there's footprints on the moon.
Just think how far
My love would go for you.

Ooooh baby
Awwww baby

I'll Be That official music video..