Goodbye 2010!

I guess I will go with everyone else on this end of the year review blog idea.  All in all I would say 2010 was a good year for us!

Winter: Winter was a little rough for us.  To start off with we moved into a different house, which is much better than where we were, but we had to move in 1 night and in the snow.  Not fun at all.  Also, this is when Colton's dad was MIA. He decided he did not like that I finally filled for child support (Let me reinterate our son is 7!) and refused to take him or talk to him or anything.  We had a really hard time trying to dance around the whole thing when talking to Colton.  It was a rough time to say the least. 

Spring: In March we added another baby to our family! CASH! hehe.  He was so tiny and cute and sweet. What happened to him?!? :)  In the spring I also started working towards my associate's in Criminal Justice. I also lost my job, which put a huge damper on our financials but we have worked through it and I because I wasn't working I was able to spend a lot more time at home with Colton and studying. Also, in April I fought in an MMA fight.  It ended in a 2 to 1 decision and I won.  It was a lot of fun and I was really sore the next day (should've trained for it lol) but I won't be doing it again.  In March, my nephew Camden was born.  He's so adorable and happy all the time!

Baby Cash

Camden at Christmas

Glover burns from blocking punches in my fight.

Summer: This summer was very interesting! I was able to stay home with Colton and balance school so that we wouldn't have to pay a babysitter. (Thank you Sara!) We did a lot of fishing and camping though not nearly as much as we would have liked.  We spent a lot of days at the park with Sara and her kids.  Getting some sun and trying to wear down some energy! We took in our first official foster dog, Sugar.  She was skinny and scared. We worked very hard with her and she was adopted in November.

Nephew Keegan at the park.

In August we got to spend a few days at Honey Creek resort for my Grandparents 50th Anniversary.  This was the best week of the entire year by far.  It was the first time in 5 years that all over my aunts and uncles and cousins on my mom's side have been able to get together.  Unfortunately, it was also the very last time we'd all be together. We had so much fun just hanging out in the cabins, swimming in the lake, fishing and spending time together.  It really was a week that I know I will never forget.

Fishing at Honey Creek

Sugar the day she came to us.

Fall: Colton started second grade in the fall.  Because the school down the street failed in testing, we were able to keep him at the same school he went to for Kindergarten and 1st grade which was really nice.  They were supposed to have a bus route near here for him to take but that never happened.  Colton played flag football for the first time.  His team didn't win more than 2 games but they had a ton of fun and Colton learned a lot.  In October we lost Patrick.  After batteling back from a stroke 5 years ago he learned how to walk and ever run again and drive. He will always be my hero and the most amazing person I will ever know.  I miss him and his beaming smile every single day.

Winter: So far this winter has been pretty hectic! I finished my associate's degree just a few weeks ago, Colton has started his second year of wrestling (w00t!) We love wrestling! My brother wrestled since he was four so I kind of grew up going all over Iowa every weekend to different meets and such.  He actually wrestled for the same club as Colton is so that's kinda fun.  Tim and I celebrated out 1 year anniversary with a nice dinner out with Colton.  We also started TTC again, well we never quit trying but I'm on medicine now and we're hoping 2011 is our year!!

Not much to say about winter since it's just begun.  Hope everyone has a fantastic new year and that 2011 finds them in good health, with lots of hope and love!

<3 The Harman's.



Really this time, no more chances.

So baby baby baby stay, stay right where you are.
I like it this way, it's good for my heart!
I haven't felt like this in God know's how long.
I know everything's gonna be okay if you just stay gone.

Maybe

Two nights ago I had a dream. Typically I don't have very vivid dreams, and if I do, they rock me to my core.

Anyways, I had a dream that I was at some type of fair or amusement park or something. I think all my mom's side of the family was there. We were standing in line for this ride and my grandpa kept telling me and Patrick that this ride was not a good idea for Patrick and that I should not go with him. In the end, Patrick said, "I love you." and kissed me on the cheek as we reached up and held onto this handle and jumped. Over the mountains, on a zip line. Both of us screaming in excitement. And then I woke up.

It's probably just a dream...but I'm choosing to take it differently. If it was anyone else in my family that I jumped with, maybe it might just be a dream.

Pictures Pictures Pictures

Just some pictures of this week. 

Kenzie, Colton and Joey at the movie theatre before Yogi Bear.

Something I will miss terribly when we move.  :(

8 1/2 pounds of gummy bears.

This can only mean one thing.... I'm quitting smoking.

Sara playing Band Hero.

These nights I will miss...

Tink and Stoli watching Tim leave for work

Ah, who doesn't love fried food?

Tim's parents got us this for our anniversary.

Colton and his best friend Jayvian.

They spend countless hours over here playing video games and toys since they're on school break.

Cash...our baby. He's 1 year old. 

Not sure what all he's mixed with. Pitbull and boxer maybe?

Tink and Bear. Tink is a pit and Bear is an Olde English Bulldogge

Only Tink could make Bear look little (he's 105 lbs.)

Stoli and Tink waiting for treats!

Stoli is pure bred papered blue pit and mama of the puppies.



I don't worry cuz everything's gonna be alright...

Grabin Life By The Nads

A great, fantastic opportunity has come up for us.  We discovered that Tim can transfer to the DC in Pueblo, Colorado next year!  For those that don't know us...Colorado is our dream.  We have a lot of family in Loveland, but never could figure out how exactly we would move with only having his income here and needing to find jobs there with a much higher cost of living.  Pueblo is about 3 hours from Loveland.  Not ideal, but it's a start! We are so excited and can't wait! 

Down town Pueblo, Co.

What we know about Pueblo:

*They have one of the lowest costs of living in the US.

*The sun shines 300 days out of the year.

*The median age is 35.

*They do not get much snow.

*It is the hotest city in Colorado during the summer.  (But the humidity is nothing compared to Iowa)

*The public school system is not great. (We'd prefer private school anyways)

*It seems that people travel from elsewhere in Colorado to Pueblo in the winter because it's much warmer and the sun is shinning.'

*They have very small catfish on their top record catches. (Yes, this was important for Tim to look up.)

So what now? Well, we were supposed to go to Kirkwood in August for the Humane Officer program.  This program is two years long and in Cedar Rapids which is an hour drive.  After much thought, moving to CR is not an option to us because we want to be in Colorado so we wouldn't want to move Colton to CR and then to CO within a couple years.  We thought about commuting back and forth during the week but that's a lot of time on the road each day and what if there was an emergency with Colton at school here?  We can't risk that.  So, we have decided not to attend Kirkwood. 

If I

That being said, when Pueblo came up as an option I of course started searching online at the job market and such.  I found out that only 30% of the population over 25 there has a four year college degree. Of course this got me thinking..... Hmmmmmm Well, I just finished my 2 year in Criminal Justice...what's stopping me from getting my bachelor's?  I went in to talk to Kaplan today to see how long it would take and after a bunch of digging came up with pretty much exactly one year! So...it looks like I'll be starting my bachelor's next week.  Of course, I could not do just CJ I had to add on an emphasis in forensic science! w00t! I am so excited! All the classes are at night, which is also a good thing because then I can work at least part time during the day while Colton's in school.  Tim's also being moved to working Saturday thru Monday nights so he will be able to be home with Colton at night too. 

Feels like everything fits together just perfectly! If I've learned anything in the past year, it's that you can't sit and wait for the life you want to come to you...you have to go out and grab it by the nads! :p





Christmas (Holly)

Merry Christmas!! We had a great night with family. Started out at my mom's house with parents and TJ and his fiance. Geez that still sounds weird my baby brother getting married? Wait... my baby brother is a police officer?!?  Gosh, where does the time go?  Seems like not that long ago he and I were hiding behind the couch on Christmas eve. :)  Ah, how the time flies.

So anyways, we let balloons off at 3:40 in honor of my Uncle's birthday. Everyone in our family did it at the same time, depending on their time zone.  We wrote little notes on the balloons and sent them off.  Colton said, "Can you write "How is Skyler?" on mine? Because she's four now, and I bet she's trouble!" Ha Ha.

The weather did not allow all of my dad's family to get together tonight.  Really sucks because we've been getting together on Christmas Eve as long as I can remember.  The only one we have missed was two years ago when Grandma was in the ICU in Iowa City from her fall.  Three of my cousins are now doing Christmas with their spouses' families on Christmas Eve every other year. Kinda sad but I get it.  Next year might be alittle different for us as well because hopefully we'll have another little one.  So far, we've always gone to Grandma's but that's mostly because that's a tradition I've had with Colton before Tim and I were together.  When we have another little one we might have to mix things up a little.  We'll see when the time comes I guess.

Tim was so sweet. He loves little kids. I caught him off with our 9 month old nephew, Camden, playing by themselves and he walked him around the retirement home looking for "mischief" as he says.  Oh, I cannot wait until we have a little one crawling around.  I know that more than anything he wants more kids.  He has always treated Colton like his own son, and nothing less. But I know he wants kids that are half of him as well.  Actually, I think that he just wants a baby.  He would be prefectly happy if we adopted, just so long as he got to have those first few years that he missed out on with Colton since he was 3 when we got together.

I have been blessed with an incredible husband... sorry ladies, the best is taken.   :)

Well, I'm hoping that Colton is falling asleep upstairs. *fingers crossed*  He was all about, "Santa isn't real" until I pulled up Google maps today and started tracking him.  :)  Every hour today he's asked me to show him where Santa is now.  Maybe, just maybe, I might get one more year out of this. Haha.

Well, I supposed, I have tons of presents from my parents house to put away...not to mention all of this laundry!  Finally got a new washer and dryer (thanks Tim!) and I have no where to put all the clean clothes!

Good night and Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it.... other wise, Happy Holidays!

Uncle Tim and Camden



Four Years

(Colton and Holly at Skyler's grave August 2010)

Four years ago today Skyler Grace passed away.  She came so quickly into my world and was gone so soon but left a million tiny foot prints on my heart.  There is not  a day that goes by that I don't think of her, yern for her, smile for her, and miss her.

This year I feel good.  I feel optimistic and I am able to think about her with a light heart and smile.  This is not to say that I have no shed my share of tears today...that I have not choked back many things I've wanted to say....  But I feel "Okay" today.

2010 in general has been a very good year for me, maybe that has something to do with it.  Maybe, because I am more secure in myself, more content with the position I am in life, maybe that has a impact on how I am viewing her today.  Of course, I am aching, not a day goes by that I don't ache... 

Or maybe I just kept myself busy all day so as to be in better spirits.  I spent all day playing with Stoli's puppies and chit chatting with Colton and took my boys out for dinner.

Of course now that I am blogging, now that I am thinking, now that the sun has gone down and the curtains are drawn.....

Let There Be SILENCE!!!!!! (Holly)

Silence surely does not exist anywhere inside or around the general area of my house.  Most days I not only have Colton running his muck but also the neighbor boy, Jayvian, also 7. On top of the 4 adult dogs and 9, 4 week old, puppies!

So, tonight Colton and I came home from wrestling practice and I had an ingenious idea to let all the dogs run around and get all of their energy out early. (Not easy to do when it's only 15* outside!) I will be honest, I have definitely been slacking in the walking department.  Have you ever walked dogs in two feet of snow in the bitter cold?  You'd be slacking too. 

Anyways... between WWE on the Xbox, and the dogs, I am not sure if it sounded like a kennel in here or an arcade.. either way, I put them all to bed early.  Finally, at 10pm the only sounds I hear are my key strokes, Lyfe Jennings streaming from frostwire and of course, the ever running washer and dryer.  *sigh* Silence...


***Also, please bare with me as I'm attempting to find a blogger template that I actually like. I'm horrible with HTML so I've been searching for a perfect template.***

I'm Christian....Kind of....? (Holly)

I grew up in a nontraditional Catholic family.   We did not go to church every week, but I did go to Catholic school through 8th grade.  I am baptised Catholic and have received the sacraments of First Reconciliation and First Communion.  Tim was pretty much raised the same way.  Both of my parents were raised in Catholic families, both attended church on a weekly basis and my father went to Catholic school.

My son is not baptised, and I could count on my fingers the number of times we have attended church since he was born.  I have taught him about God, about Jesus, and he knows all the basics.  He urges us to pray before dinner and he often asks for me to explain more to him.

I don't identify myself as Catholic...

When asked, I typically say, "I'm Christian."  I guess this is the label that most closely reflects my religious views.  I believe that God created the world and everything in it, that his son Jesus came and was crucified.  I believe that there is a heaven and but I'm not so sure about hell.  But I also believe highly in free will.  I don't believe that God punishes or rewards behavior.  In this I mean that I don't believe that a famine has anything to go with God punishing people, but that crops were planted poorly and the season was dry....



I don't believe that God will bless me with more children when he sees fit.  I think this is absolutely ridiculous mostly because, why would God see it fit for me to have a child at 17 but not now that I'm married?  Especially if I was condemned for having premarital sex to begin with?  I think that a lot of things that we were taught were the "Word of the Lord" were actually an attempt at get people to conform to some sort of ideal of how people should act.

I don't think that there will ever be a religion that each person can fit perfectly into because everyone has their own sets of beliefs...thus, opinions, about who or what God is or isn't.

But then again, maybe my beliefs are more out of fear than anything else.  To think that my daughter's life is just null and void, and that she is not in heaven looking down on me would be even more painful.

Gently Rambled...(Holly)

ExtraOrdinary Us
Link to the video I made using pictures from our first year of marriage. (Love you Baby)  Though we have since adopted Stoli (blue pit bull) and I didn't put any pictures of her puppies in it, since they are fosters.


I feel great today! A complete swap from Friday's post I know.  Just a forwarning... this is probably going to end up just being another rambling ramble of a post.  :p

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant. It was so vivid that I woke up really believeing it...and then I came to reality.  Keeping my chin up, fingers crossed, and prayers said. :)

Tim's been working a lot of hours lately, trying to get those last few overtime checks before Christmas. I know he's exhausted, he's worn out and his body aches.  I wish more than anything that he didn't have to work so hard, but alas, that is where we are in life right now, and further more, I am so thankful that he is willing to do it. 

I have been watching a lot of my friends and acquaintences in their relationships lately. I've been watching a lot of people's relationships fall to pieces over the smallest things. I'm lucky that my husband is my very best friend.  He has seen me through so many ups and downs.  He was there when I worked my way out of two abusive relationships before we got together, he has stood by me through the ups and downs with PTSD, with Colton's issues steming from living in two homes, my issues with Skyler passing, my dreams of running a safe haven for pit bulls, (which has manifested itself in a house full of dogs right now), supported our family while I was in school and never let me get down on myself.  He's always there to tell me how much he loves me, how proud of me he is, and I never for a second question that we are his world.   Sometimes I just sit back and look at him in awe.  "There is no way this man loves me!?!?" But he does.  No matter how crazy I get or how stubborn and needy I am; he loves me.  I only hope that I am giving him the same in return.

This next week is going to be very rough this year.  I intend to keep my spirits up and smile even when I feel like losing it...but I promise nothing.  December 22nd will mark four years since Skyler died and December 24th is my Uncle's birthday.  My uncle Patrick passed away in October from a seizure.  He previously survived a stroke in 2005 and was working very hard to regain as much as he could. He learned how to walk again, talk, and even was able to drive. For a lot of my family, he signifies strength, passion and was our hero.  I know my mom, especially, is going to have a very rough Christmas and my heart breaks for her.

Patrick hiking in Estes Park (Colorado)

Optimism Where Are You?!?!? (Holly)

Today I am not optimistic....infact I struggle with so much pessimism I can feel it pressing on my shoulder.  This is not like me at all.  In general I'm always happy and care free. Not today, today I feel like screaming, like yelling and make a complete ass out of myself.

This medicine has got me all sorts of twisted up and though I know it's the hormones, and not me, I feel horrible.  Last night I forgot to turn the crock pot off, so by the time Tim came home from work all the food was pretty much burnt to a crisp and of course, I cried like a baby.  I don't think not being in control and I feel like all my emotions and everything are just taking over me.  I'm so spaced out and just crazy! I know that once my body and the meds start getting along things will go back to normal but today I feel like this is never going to end.

Finally finished my associates degree yesterday. All my work turned in, every test taken and now I have nothing to do but wait for grades to come in.  Pretty sure I will end up with 2 a's and a b but I'm a little worried about the last two papers that I turned in.  Once again, not like me at all.  I usually just know that I did the best work I could do, and leave it at all. URGH!!

I am thankful though, that I am done with my degree, done with classes and such because everything I'm feeling, I could not go through even two more days of classes. Colton's school holiday part is today and I just know he's going to be mad that I'm not going.  I wish there was some way to make a seven year old understand why mommy doesn't feel good.  Alas, he says, "Take your medicine mommy! I want a baby brother!"  Last night he said, "I want a baby brother, I already had a baby sister and she died, can I have a brother this time?"  *sigh*  Tear my hear wide open!

Well, I suppose I'm done rambling for now.... Have to take Tim to work, and Stoli to the vet then come home and scrub this house, because even though it's not that bad, it feels absolutely disgusting to me.  PTSD, PCOS and OCD..... God loves me!

Rihanna - What's My Name? ft. Drake

Rihanna ft. Drake "What's my name"

My newest obsession. Of course Rihanna by herself... phenominal! Throw Drake in there because it's the thing to do in 2010... fantastic!! The chemistry between the two them sparks in the video and I am really wondering...were the sparks flying on set? Let's not forget to mention Rihanna with long red hair!?!? Gorgeous!! This is the new Rihanna, post horrible break up, we've been waiting for. You go girl!

What's New?!? (Holly)

It's been a very long week at our house between our anniversary, Tim's work hours, puppies, getting Sugar ready for adoption, and finals! Phew!

Our midwife called back on Thursday and had some news for us.  She said that Tim's semenalysis came back and it wasn't as bad as we'd imagined.  Most people know Tim has a history of drug use (he has been clean now or 6 years! :) ) and so we we're kind of afraid that maybe he wouldn't be able to have kids.  The lab results came back and they said that his numbers and the mobility is low but it's definitely not as bad as it could be.  We'll take that as positive as we possibly can.  She said we may need to redo the test in a few months and she might want to recommend him to a urologist to see if maybe there's something than can be fixed.

In the mean time our doctor in Cedar Rapids finally sent my file up and now I can start taking metformin.  She has me taking 500mg twice daily. That is on top of the prenate and progesterone for 10 days each month.  My hormones are on hype!  Last time I took metformin I had crazy hot flashes and wasn't very pleasant to be around most of the time.  This time, I'm a little more optimistic and I think things are going to go a little smoother. 

At the end of February, Colton and I are going to Disney World for a few days with my Aunt and two of my cousins.  We've decided to go ahead and wait to start clohmid until after the trip. 

Off the medical subject.....
Our 1 year wedding anniversary was on Tuesday, December 7. (Yes we were married on Pearl Harbor Day) lol.  We had pretty much a normal day.  Tim had the day off of work but with finals this week, I couldn't miss class.  So he got to have a few hours to himself at the house.  While he was home he called the vet to check about Stoli still bleeding two weeks after the pups being born.  The vet, of course, decided they wanted to see her right away.  So, Tim, Colton, Stoli and I spent about an hour at the vet.  They ran some blood work and determined that she's anemic.  So, now we have to run her blood work again this Wednesday to see what's up.  It is possible that she has hook worms because she is not keeping any weight on...but then again, who could keep weight on when they're feeding 9 babies?!?!?  They also gave her some vitamins and so far, I think she's looking a bit better even just from that.

After the vet visit we went out to dinner at Lone Star which was a lot of fun.  Generally, it's either Tim and I going out together or Colton and I because of Tim's work schedule.  So it was really nice to get to go out as a family.

On Friday Sugar was finally adopted! The family came and met us at my parents house because ours is too noisy and crazy for a meet and great.  The women were so nice and the little girl came in with her pig tails, coke bottle classes and three year old accent and said, "Awww Sugar! You're my puppy!"  We are very excited for her, but at the same time we miss her already.  I lost it when they left with her, but I have to remind myself that we did our job, we saved her from being euthanized and got her ready for her forever home.  So it is definitely bittersweet.

Colton went to Minnesota with John to celebrate Christmas with that side of the family, so Tim and I had most of the weekend to ourselves.  Which was especially nice because we were able to catch up on Christmas shopping.  I finally have Colton almost done! Also, two of my nephews and my parents all done.  Feels like a ton of weight off my shoulders, I didn't think we'd ever get done!

There was one hell of a storm here last night.  Between the snow and 40 mph winds, somewhere around 4 am we lost power.  It was soooo cold in our house it got down to 49* before the electricity was finally back on around 10:30 this morning. 

So yes, it's been a crazy crazy week at our house! Now, I think I've put off my three final papers long enough...better get to it! Maybe I'll be able to get one paper done before I start supper.

Colton all bundled up in his new coat! ((Thanks Grandma!!))



Let It Begin!!

**Writter's note**This is the one place I can speak openly and so, if medical terms make you giggle or shudder, this might not be the blog for you!

Well, we went to see our midwife today.  Yes, we saw a midwife.  This is the woman that delivered Colton and also took care of me while I was pregnant with Skyler. (Although we had to have an OBGYN deliver her.)  We went to her first because she knows me, she knows my story, my family, and she knows how badly I want more children.

Because I was diagnosed with PCOS by a doctor in Cedar Rapids (an hour away) we have to wait for my chart to be faxed to Waterloo before we can start on Metformin.  In the mean time, she started me on progesterone to get my cycle going normally again.  This I have to take once a day for 10 days each month for a year.

Also, she prescribed Prenate.  She said that 50% of women actually cannot break down folic acid. Prenate is a top of the line prenatal vitamin and is the only one that has methalayted folic acid.  This way, it will be easier for my body to break it down and obsorb it.  With the issues that Skyler had, I welcome any and all vitamins that I can get....especially folic acid.

Also, with the concern of Tim's father having taken clohmid in order for him and Tim's mother to have children, she also ordered a semenalysis.  I would have expected him to be weirded out or something, but instead he welcomed it and said, "Well, there's no use in getting everything fixed with your body and waiting if mine isn't working."  ((Just even more proof I have an absolutely amazing husband, who is all in! <3 ))

After explaining all of my symptoms and everything to her, she agreed that I definitely have PCOS and that it is pretty severe.  She said that she could refer me to a specialist and just go straight into the hard core fertility drugs but why take the risks of those drugs if we don't have to.  I have to say, I completely agree with her.  So, as soon as my chart is faxed to her she is going to call out a prescription for metformin.  She seems to think that the reason it did not work before is one of three things. Either, 1. because the doctor did not give me progesterone before hand, to help jump start everything or 2. it wasn't a high enough dosage or 3. metformin simply isn't going to work for me.  Regardless of what happened before, we're starting fresh and so we will try the metformin, at whatever dosage she decides, after looking at my lab results and such from CR.  After a few months if that is not working we will move on to clohmid and if that does not work she will refer me to a specialist.

All in all I was very happy about our appointment today and I am fully confident in our decision to start at step one.  I am not sure what the treatments are for men and I'll probably do some research on that in the next few days.  Speaking of research, I found out that our insurance policy has a $35k cap on fertility...that fact that it is even covered under our insurance makes me exstatic but that high of a cap just makes it even better!  :) 

So, there it is!  The best things in life are worth fighting for... so, let the fight begin!!

December (Holly)

It is officially December...which is generally my "crawl in a hole" month.

Sometimes I find myself questioning my own grief.  Because it only akes a minut event to kick everything back into full swing.  I can go months without even second glancing over everything.  This is not to say that I ever for a moment forget that I have a  daughter, that she existed.  I just mean that it doesn't seem to affect me, and maybe that is what they mean when they say, "Time heals."  But then I wonder...four years later....does it actually heal?

There are five stages of grief according to Kübler Ross.  I've read a lot abou this theory and I have to say, I completely agree except that, I don't think there is a time limit on each stage or a pattern in which they go in.

Tonight I'm just "in it" as I like to put it. I have random nights where a part of me just isn't here.  I have a scrap book type of thing I've been writing in for the past two years, on nights like these.  Little letters and drawings and such all addressed to Skyler.  But tonight I guess I wanted to blog...touch on these five steps of grief as they pertain to me.

Denial:  I spent about a month in denial.  Even in the hospital I did not cry, did not fret, it just "was."  I remember looking around me, while everyone was holding her, and wondering why they were crying.  Wondering why I wasn't.  I have long since forgiven myself for not crying, for not holding her just five minutes longer....

Anger:  I do have a horrible anxiety issue that manifests outwardly as anger or aggression. But that aside, I skip in and out of this stage quit a bit.  Especially the second year after she passed.  Little things upset me, like, maybe someone else's child that is around what age Skyler should be.  The child itself does not upset me. What I find myself thinking is, "How dare God take her first steps away from me?" or "She never had a first word, or first steps."  And those types of things anger me. They boil in my stomach and they eat me alive.

Bargaining:  For me, I think this stage was even before Skyler died.  I began trying to bargain with God the day that we found out about the omphalocele. Honestly, when Iowa City called and said all the amnio results came back normal, I thought God and I had a deal.

Depression:  Ah depression.  This is a monster I have battled since I was a child.  For over a year after Skyler died I was depressed.  I spent a lot of time in my bed, not moving, not thinking, barely alive.  I also spent a lot of time intoxicated.  I was going out during the week and spending the entire weekends drunk.  I was a horrible mess. Between the alcohol and the depression..... I do not remember a lot of that time, and I am grateful for that but I am also incredibly saddened that other people in my life had to see it.  After I moved to Cedar Rapids, Tim slowly began to break me out of the shell I had formed.  I think the one thing that really turned me around though was Tinkerbell.  Tinkerbell was my saving light.  She is a pit bull that we rescued from a horrible home where she was being used as a bait dog.  After we brought her home, I just knew she had found me for a reason.  She saved my life.

Lastly we come to Acceptance......

Oh acceptance.....

Is it possible to ever really accept the death of your child?  I'm not sure it is.  To me acceptance says "it is what it is" or "it's okay now."   I don't think I'll ever feel that way.  If there is some sort of "okay" stage... I think I might fit in there most of the time. I accept that I have a daughter, that she was still born, I accept that I the kicks, movements and ultrasounds are the only memories I will have of her alive. At least I am lucky enough to have those memories. 

But I don't think I will ever accept that I had to bury my child, I will never be "okay now."

Avril Lavigne - Slipped Away