Today I am not optimistic....infact I struggle with so much pessimism I can feel it pressing on my shoulder. This is not like me at all. In general I'm always happy and care free. Not today, today I feel like screaming, like yelling and make a complete ass out of myself.
This medicine has got me all sorts of twisted up and though I know it's the hormones, and not me, I feel horrible. Last night I forgot to turn the crock pot off, so by the time Tim came home from work all the food was pretty much burnt to a crisp and of course, I cried like a baby. I don't think not being in control and I feel like all my emotions and everything are just taking over me. I'm so spaced out and just crazy! I know that once my body and the meds start getting along things will go back to normal but today I feel like this is never going to end.
Finally finished my associates degree yesterday. All my work turned in, every test taken and now I have nothing to do but wait for grades to come in. Pretty sure I will end up with 2 a's and a b but I'm a little worried about the last two papers that I turned in. Once again, not like me at all. I usually just know that I did the best work I could do, and leave it at all. URGH!!
I am thankful though, that I am done with my degree, done with classes and such because everything I'm feeling, I could not go through even two more days of classes. Colton's school holiday part is today and I just know he's going to be mad that I'm not going. I wish there was some way to make a seven year old understand why mommy doesn't feel good. Alas, he says, "Take your medicine mommy! I want a baby brother!" Last night he said, "I want a baby brother, I already had a baby sister and she died, can I have a brother this time?" *sigh* Tear my hear wide open!
Well, I suppose I'm done rambling for now.... Have to take Tim to work, and Stoli to the vet then come home and scrub this house, because even though it's not that bad, it feels absolutely disgusting to me. PTSD, PCOS and OCD..... God loves me!
I really identify with your struggles. Stein-Leventhal Disease (AKA PCOS...I refuse to call it PCOS, but that is a different story) can have so many heart breaking and weighty hurdles associated with it, not the least of which is depression, infertility, etc... I just wanted to let you know that you have a cyster in me, and many other woman out here who have been standing up against this disease for along time and will not back down until there is a suitable treatment for it. Until then solidarity, compassion and self love are our tools.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to following your journey.
Peace.
Thank you! Can I ask why you don't call it PCOS?
ReplyDelete