No Sugar Here

Pist off and mad about it!
Texas Hippie Coalition

Just got back from the doctor.  First, let's note they moved me to an obstitrician from my midwife.  Which is expected, I knew she wouldn't be able to see me forever.  But this guy I have to see now....is about amillion years old.  He's real nice and he's funny but I wish I would have known who he was before just walking in the room.

So anyways, he doesn't think I have cysts or palaps or anything.  He thinks the provera has thinned out my uterus.  Because I am not ovulating, so all it was doing is shredding out the lining of my uterus.  Great! All this for nothing!!  So he did a pelvic exam, let me tell you, absolutely not what I wanted to do today! Not that I would ever want to but you know.  He didn't see anything abnormal.  For the third time during the appointment, he changes up the plan.  Now, I have to do a "medical dnc" so bascially I have to take 4 birth control pills a day for five days.  After that, I should get a "period" and five days after that I can start clomid.  Then he wants to see me again somewhere around the 25th day of the cycle to see if I'm ovulating.  This and continue taking metformin.

Then he also tells us that Tim is "sub fertile."  Meaning it is possible for him to father children, with some work.  Work? More work?  Are we just sinking deeper into a black hole?  Are we putting ourselves on an emotional rollercoaster that is going nowhere?  They're having him redo the semenalysis.  Tim is not thrilled.  But, like I told him, I'm pumping myself with meds, being poked and proded and everything else....I don't think one plastic cup is too much to ask from him.

I'll just put it bluntly, I am pissed.  I don't understand how I could get pregnant at 17, and then again at 21 while I was in a horrible relationship and yet, we've been trying for four year, are married, and settled and we have to jump hoops?  Where were those hoops 8 years ago?  I'm beyond frustrated.

Why can't I be one of those women that blinks and gets pregnant?  Why are so many women able to have tons of babies that they cannot afford or care to take care of and yet....here we are! I think I have shed every last tear I have over this whole thing.  Four years of inactively trying, a total of 1 year actively trying.  I'm frustrated.

I am absolutely frightened of what will happen if we cannot have more kids.  Tim is an amazing dad to Colton.  He does everything and more for him.  Far beyond what Colton's biological dad would ever care to do.  But I know it is not the same, even though he sees both of my children as his own, it's not the same.  And everytime another family member or friend has a baby I know he's right there with me feeling left out. 

We will keep pushing on, because that's the only thing we know how to do.  But we are wounded and bruised.

Midweek Downers

A little blah today.  Not much to post, since I've been on break for a week and a half.  Not too much going on over here. 

Thought I am taking Colton to the doctor today.  I'm afraid he might be diabetic.  Out of nowhere he quit eatting but continues to drink and drink and drink.  Frequent urination, sudden mood swings...and top that all off with he weighs 113lbs.  But he's not fat, he's stocky and he's solid.  I guess we'll see what his doctor thinks.

 Because, without them I would not be me.  All four of my dogs were rescues.  All four have their own personalities and temperments. 

My favorite picture! Colton and his friend Jayvian snugglin on Bear.

Cash... the baby of the family :)

The love of my life.

Miss Stoli :)

Confidence is Beautiful

I finally had surgery last Thursday.  I thought I was going to die the whole morning before.  I hadn't slept, I felt like vomitting, and I really just wanted to run away.  But of course Tim was not going to let me do that.

All I remember was asking them how badly I was going to hurt when I woke up.  Then they gave me some medicine through IV which was supposed to make me happy I guess, I don't really remember.  They put a band around my face for oxygen and tied my arms to the chair, then the last thing I remember was being told they were putting meds in my iv to put me to sleep.  Then I woke up while they were stitching me up, but I fell back asleep.  When I woke up again, my new teeth were in.  They asked me if I wanted them to go get Tim and I said, "Right now!" HaHa. I guess there was a sense of urgency to have him with me.

My whole face was numb the rest of the day. Thursday night I didn't sleep for more than an hour, maybe two.  The numbness in my face wore off and I started to panick.  Even though it didn't hurt, it was just sore.  I think the anticipation of what everyone had told me was far worse than the pain I experienced.

Friday morning I went back to the dentist so they could take the denture out, clean it and make sure everything looked alright.  I was really worried that it would hurt and even the dental assistant told me it would probably hurt.  Tim came back to the room with me and held my hand while they removed it, which didn't really hurt at all.  It wasn't the most fun I've ever had, but it wasn't painful.  I got to look at my mouth...which was horrifying, but it's healing really well.  I'll go back this Wednesday to have all the stitches removed.

So, here I am, a few days out....little to no swelling left, no pain, just some mild discomfort.  And trying to get used to this feeling of having something in my mouth all the time. I am so happy that I finally got everything taken care of.  I feel like I can finally smile without everyone staring at me, like I can be me. It's funny the amount of confidence I have found in myself in the past few days.  I definitely feel much more upbeat and outgoing. 

Things are definietely looking up from here.  Look out, you have not seen Holly before.

Frustrated and Tired

Our few days in Florida were amazing, however, I feel like I need a vacation after my vacation.  I'm exhausted.  But, no time to rest..... it's finals week.  Thankfully I only have one more test tonight and an essay to write and then I will be done with this term.  I am ready to put this whole term of school behind me and move on.

Tomorrow is my mouth surgery.  I am so nervous I haven't slept in two days. I would like to fast forward to when it's over with and I'm not in pain.

Today I called the doctor, because we had decided I would start clomid after getting back from Florida.  Well....  I call them and explain about my period last month.  They hang up, call back and say, "You need to come in for an ultrasound. And quit taking the progesterone."  They're afraid I might have cysts or palps on my ovaries or my uterus.  GREAT! This would really not suprise me, beings that my mom had her uterus removed when she was 25.  Since I have surgery tomorrow, and the doctor is gone all next week I have to wait until the 25th to be seen.

I'm not feeling optimistic, not even slightly.  I feel like quiting.